Suck it, Mack

I don't like Texas. At all. I would easily use the word "hate" to describe my feelings for Texas. And for Texans who would say it's because I'm jealous of their wonderful state, it's actually the opposite reason that I don't like you - because you think that somehow people would ever be jealous of your state! The entire state likes being proud and saying things like "don't mess with Texas" for no apparent reason. But you know what? I'll gladly mess with Texas. Other egotistical states like California (my home), New York, Florida, even Massachusetts seem to have legitimate redeeming qualities, such as pretty scenery, pretty people, trend-setting culture, sophistication, a fun, party-like atmosphere. As for Texas, it's a flat, ugly state with horrible weather and whose most prominent contributions to the country at the moment seem to be oil companies and President Bush, both of which seem increasingly more like a stick in the eye than a handshake. People there seem to think it's okay to wear wrangler jeans with cowboy boots and a cowboy hat when in no danger of being shit on by a cow, which must be a sign of mild brain damage. The US should never have annexed the Republic of Texas as a state; Sure the southern border would be shaped funnier, but we wouldn't know that. I don't like Texas and their pride in everything (pretty much nothing) they have, including their football team.

As I expected, Texas and their shit-kicker fans shouldn't have gotten so excited about beating North Texas last week. Whereas USC absolutely destroyed a decent Arkansas team and scored more points in their stadium than any team since 1919, and Notre Dame pulled out a win over an upset-happy Georgia Tech, Ohio State played the Northern Illinois Wolf Pack (beating them 35-12) and Texas played some high school team called the North Texas Mean Green (beating them 56-7). Northern Illinois is an okay team in an okay conference - the Mid-America Conference - and went a respectable 7-5 last season. Ohio State's win was nothing to get excited about and nobody did - they got pretty criticized. Strangely though, Texas was lauded for their HOMEFIELD victory over the Mean Green as though it validated them as legit repeat title contenders. It somehow showed that some pansy inexplicably named "Colt" was the next savior. But they seemed to forget that North Texas plays in a conference called "the Sunbelt Conference", one famous graduate of their school is Dr. Phil (that makes so much sense), and they they went TWO AND NINE last year. 2-9!!! Okay, they did have two wins, so they actually know what not losing feels like, but those victories were against Middle Tennessee (score of 14-7) and some school called Florida International (score of 13-10) who may or may not have a football program! They BARELY WON those games. Texas playing them should have been like the Harlem Globetrotters playing the Washington Generals - an obvious victory that tells you nothing whatsoever about the team; it just feels kind of ridiculous and rigged, and it's fun for their fans to watch (and as Larry the Cable Guy shows us, hicks need entertainment too!). They should have hung 70 points on them (as SC did on Arkansas last year). So why were people in Texas and on ESPN getting all excited?? I wondered this all week.

Well now they got their clock cleaned by Ohio State. Gosh it makes me happy to think all those fans in their ugly orange clothes are sad. I guess when you have essentially every player on your team but the most athletically gifted and smartest (6 on the Wunderlick!) guy return, you fall back to earth. Mack Brown - I guess it's back to the reality of being a horrible big-game coach and a whiner (remember the whole 'lobbying for Texas to get voted into a BCS game' from a few years back?)! Hope that cold sore on your lip clears up all right - and I also hope that's not from Vince, if you know what I mean. But we all know better.