Fight.

Don't be scared. Everything is going to be great.

Smile.

Everyday of my life is an up and down, trial and error, happy and sad, clean bifurcation of life. Today was no different. I woke up after a night spent eating with mom, tonkatsu and strawberry shortcake fresh on the gut, to go play football. Game 1 was a tie and game 2 was a heartbreaking, rosebowl-esque loss. I sprained my pointer finger and pinky finger on my right hand trying to catch passes. Not fun.

In between games, I went to Target with mom to buy some supplies for the apartment. Later in the afternoon, I took her to Millennium park and we smiled together as the face fountain spit water all over drenched children. We also bickered with each other over trivial issues. She bought me a pair of shoes from Barney's that I've wanted. It was up and down.

Tonight I went out and had a great time. This feels like a legitimate turning point in life here. And that might sound like a disingenuous statement that i might flippantly make every other week when things seem to turn in my favor, but this time it's more sincere than ever. I truly believe I put myself at a junction tonight between the doldrums of winter and the sunshine of spring/summer.

And yes, i put myself there. Look, I believe in entropy as much as the next guy. Our reality is often a jumble of random collisions and chaotic interaction that plays as much by personality as it does by chance. But the last fourteen days has taught me more than ever that sometimes you need to inject energy into the system to create your own reality and your own collisions. Ones that never would have occurred unless you were brave enough to trigger them. And for once, I had the balls to take that step.

Is this feeling contrived? Have I been exactly here before only to have it evaporate in the gaps between my swollen fingers? Is this whole situation riddled with crippling uncertainty? Is this entire blog entry ridiculously histrionic bullshit? Probably yes to all of the above. But you know what? Tonight, I'm going to sleep with a feeling of optimism about tomorrow and the next day and the day after that that i haven't felt for a long time. I'm happy.

And shit, that's all that matters right now.

Tell me where the light is ...

Easter weekend alternated between beautiful and gloomy, happy and shitty. In general though, it was nice to have a three day weekend, our first day off from work in about a month and a half. Work has been especially exhausting recently, and the back half of the month should only get worse. But it might the fact that in general I really haven't taken a vacation yet and it's almost been a year since i started working that is starting to creep up on me. It was fortunate that last week ended on Thursday because that afternoon, I was at the end of my rope.

Friday night I went to see the Yeah Yeah Yeahs at the Riviera Theatre. They changed the format of the floor at the Riviera Theatre into this tiered structure, which is really strange. It used to be such a great venue and it feels like it's broken up into crowded cattle pens now. The YYYs were spectacular live though. The crowd was half hipster posing and half people killing each other jumping around to the music. Moshing is pretty lame, but it was nice to see some enthusiasm...i guess? Much like the Strokes the week before, the live show made me rethink the album they just put out, which I (and most other people) had pegged as surprisingly boring. The songs sound very different now that I've seen them live. The band was great partially because Nick Zinner's guitar sounds absurdly monstrous coming from his skinny goth body and partially because Brian Chase's sounds absurdly monstrous coming from a dorky, bespectacled guy playing with a traditional grip. But mostly it's because Karen O. is just absurd. She's sexy, cute, violent, childish, glam, gritty. Stomping, strutting, punching, spitting, dancing, and cheerleading her way around the stage. I think I'm in love.

After the concert, the rest of Friday night was fairly unsatisfying. And i don't mean it was unsatisfying by comparison; it just sucked. On Saturday I almost learned how to hit off the tee at a driving range in Lincoln Park, but my friend and I gave up and instead spent the afternoon wandering down the Lake Shore. It was a beautiful day. She made an interesting comment at Navy Pier - that it was nice that something that vapid exists because it's strangely comforting to know that somebody out there is still spending their time doing stupid shit. haha. I know it sounds really ridiculous and jaded and dramatic to say that - but it's kind of true.

Unfortunately, a bad night once again ruined an otherwise nice day. And don't get me started on today - the heavy rain kept me inside all day. And for the last couple days my body and mind have felt ragged and worn down. Something is wrong, and I don't know what, and hopefully it will go away because it's not helping. Ugh.